a light breakfast conversation with god

stange morning i tell you.

as usual i woke up late and started the morning in my own sluggish way. got up, went to the bathroom to do my early morning rituals (that is if can call 8:00 am early morning), fixed myself a cup of coffee, got my towel, draped it over my head, went out the front yard with my mug, lighter, and my pack of luckies, and smoked my breakfast away. pretty usual if you ask me.

anyway, outside was a cool 12 degrees. i was practically chilling as i drank my coffee and puffed my cig. and the sun wasn't anywhere in sight too. it was all dark and cloudy, misty and foggy. then after alternating coffee gulps, cigarette puffs, and scratching my balls, the sun's rays managed to pierce a hole through the thick dark clouds. stranger, the rays of the sun shone directly at me. it was like a spotlight. it amused me too. tell you the truth, i was tempted to do one of my 15-minute comedy acts right there at the front yard. just as i was about to do so, i heard a booming voice from the sky. the voice, i thought, came from the faint rays of the sun that was warming my face.

it was god. and he said (in a very godly and transcendent manner): "you fat lazy fuck! you woke up late again!!! what the fuck is wrong with you you big pile of steaming fat!? can't you even pretend to drag yourself to work you shithead!? you good-for-nothing breathing mass of cellulite canvass!!!"

so i said (in the most respectful manner i can): hey you assmunch!!! you want me to wake up on time!? fix the weather! do your job! and don't go calling me lazy! that hurts.

then he went on and said: "i'm sorry my child, but i'm just a bit concerned on your habitual tardiness at work. so hurry up, finish your coffee, finish your cigarette, stop scratching your balls because they're all red now... take a bath and go to work you ungrateful horsefucker!!!"

me to god: "dickhead!"
god to me: "asswipe!"
me to god: "cocksucker!"
god to me: "premature ejaculator!"
me to god: "at least i have a dick!"

then god threw me one of his famous lightning bolts (pretty unoriginal if you ask me considering that zeus used to do it everytime)... and i ran inside the house, took a bath, got dressed, and went to work.

strange morning it was i tell you.

i'm out.