suicide notes

suicide notes are so fucking overrated!

yeah you heard me. they're so fucking overrated. if you want to kill yourself then get a gun and get it over with you dipshit. don't exit the world with a poorly written, lameass suicide note trying to say goodbye to everybody and making them guilty because you messed up your life. don't go leave your pathetic excuse on top of the dinner table written on a yellow paper and written with a no. 2 mongol pencil. try to have some class for chrissakes! if you really must write a suicide note, then at least have the decency to write it with a parker. pussy.

wait a minute. did i just say get a gun and get it over with? whoa! i'm sorry, that's lame. if you really must go, then i suggest you go out in style. going out in style doesn't mean taking your own life through conventional means. i have this cousin who tried to kill himself a few years back just because he was wrongfully accused of stealing his boardmate's watch. what a pussy. he left a stupid (and a really fuckin' hilarious one at that) suicide on top of his lamp table. he was struggling with his english, and still he thought writing his suicide note in english would double the guilt his boardmate would feel upon seeing his cold lifeless body sprawled all over the bathroom floor. really stupid.

anyway, his failed suicide was a classic case of an exercise in futility. first, he brought a cheap blade that he'd use to cut his wrist. seeing that he was too pussy to go through the bloody process, he took a dull bread knife and proceeded to mutilate his wrist. the result, he had scratches. still, he was determined to kill himself. afterall, he did write a "masterpiece" of a suicide note, and he wasn't in the mood for all of that to go to waste. he then went to the bathroom and started to drink zonrox clorox. shit. so the poor guy wanted to bleach his guts. stupid. after taking the first sip, he realized how clorox burns his tounge so much. so he went back to his room and finally decided to finish up a third of a bottle of a fake calvin klien perfume. that did it. no he didn't die. after drinking the cheap perfume, he cried so hard that his boardmates heard him. they broke into his room, saw the empty ck bottle, a dull bread knife and his red and blue wrist, and rushed him to the hospital. the stupid gnome survived. when i arrived at the hospital, i wanted to strangle him myself. i was so embarrassed when they asked me at the nurses' station if i was related to him. i had to make some lame excuse that he was the son of my daughter's nanny or something. stupid motherfucker.

anyway, if you want to kill yourself, then kill yourself like a man. why not try any of these:

:: eat a tub of beans -- you'll need (a) a tub and (b) enough beans to fill that tub. then just dig in you chunky son of a bitch! eat until you can't eat anymore. then eat some more. and by the time you shit yourself, your guts will rupture and you'll die.

:: strangle yourself -- not hang yourself, strangle yourself! you'll need your hands. then apply an extra strong choke hold on your neck. do this at around 3:30 in the morning. when your body loses enough oxygen, you'll pass out and wake up at the hospital. by this time, one of the doctors, obviously having not enough sleep, will get so pissed he'll strangle you himself then he'll write up a report that you were dead upon arrival. sweet!

:: hold your breath -- similar with strangling yourself. step 1: hold your breath. step 2: wait for fifteen minutes. step 3: if you're reading this, then you have failed. repeat steps until successful.

:: razor blade -- no this is not conventional because you won't use the blade to cut your wrist. you have to cut your neck instead. just make sure you go all the way through the spinal column.

:: the scooper -- get an ice scream scooper and your favorite ice cream flavor. scoop your eyes out. replace eyeballs with generous servings of your favorite ice cream. then proceed to kill yourself with any of the suggestions above.

:: headbutt the sidewalk -- step 1: slam your head into the sidewalk. step 2: repeat.

and finally...

:: lick a hooker's ass -- this one's for those who want to die really slow. look for a very cheap hooker, about forty bucks. then ask her to bend over and lick her ass for several times until your tounge gets numb. then drink a bottle of coke. wait for several months for the aids to kick in. then wait for several months before your funeral.

that's it for now. remember, no matter how much shit happens in your life, it's your suicide, have fun with it. and please.. for the love of god... don't ever, ever, ever leave a suicide note.

i'm out.