sample this!

here's an emphatic declaration: i'm not a fucking' writer, and i'm not a fuckin' comedian!

there.

now a lot of you might ask how the hell did i get in this mood again. you haven't been paying attention have you? i'm always in "this" mood. but for the benefit of those who need the benefit of explanation, i'll explain.

now let's rant!

i'm just so sick and fucking tired of people who ask what you do for a living, then after being informed, they go and proceed to ask for a "sample" or demo of your work. now what the fuck is up with this!? i mean, seriously... a sample!? you're asking me to give you a friggin' sample of what i do!? you motherfucking pitiful waste of an asshole!!! me give you a sample!? you gotta be kidding me.

i don't know in other countries, but the practice is very much rampant here in the philippines i tell you. for instance:

example#1 - at a family reunion
cousin robert: "hey uncle jerry, you remember israel don't you?"
drunk jerry: "why yes. so how you doin' son? i can see you still haven't found a way to reduce those baby fats hahahaha!"
pissed off israel: "doin' fine uncle jerry; and thanks for noticing."
drunk jerry: "so what do you do now?"
pissed of israel: "i work for an energy company as their corporate communications officer."
drunk jerry: "corporte commentator what?"
pissed of israel: "corporate communications.. it's PR work... in a nutshell, i write stuff for a living."
drunk jerry: "so yer a writer eh? c'mon, sampol (as in sample).. c'mon sampol only... write me something.. c'mon don't be shy.. sampol... SAMPOL!"
pissed of israel: "you need to sober up man."
drunk jerry: "i thought you said you were a writer... c'mon sampol! write me something.. anything.. a poem.. something inspiring.. a slogan or something.. just a sampol."
pissed of israel: "do you have a pen? i'll write you your obituary if you want to."

example #2: at a funeral
random guy i just met: "hey man! how you doin'? israel, right?"
pissed of israel: "the last time i checked, yeah."
random guy i just met: "i heard from mr. so and so that you're a funny guy; he said you were their emcee last year in their christmas party."
pissed of israel: "oh, ok."
random guy i just met: "so you're a comedain eh? a stand up comic is that it?"
pissed of israel: "not really. actually i'm a.."
random guy i just met: "c'mon man, tell me a joke. c'mon, crack me up. c'mon man, gimme a sample."
pissed of israel: "excuse me?"
random guy i just met: "you know.. a sample.. a joke.. let's hear how funny you are... c'mon, any joke."
pissed of israel: "well, this isn't exactly the proper venue to crack jokes.. so please..."
random guy i just met: "aww, c'mon man, just a sample."
pissed of israel: "ok. so i met this limped-dick motherfucker at a funeral one day, and he was so drunk and he asked me to amuse him with my jokes. so i asked him... what do you call a flightless bird that has a brain size smaller than his set of nuts? then he answered i don't know. and then i said to him, an ostrich."
random guy i just met: "hahahahaha.. you crack me up man.. hahahaha... i don't get it."
pissed of israel: "me neither ostrich-breath."

***

now do you get my point?

you see my friends, i'm not one of those assholes who ask for "samples" from other people. now why the hell do they have to do that to me then!? those fuckers!

when i met a doctor, an OB-GYNE, sometime last month, i didn't ask him for a sample. i didn't tell him: "c'mon doc, let's see what you got. sample. why not do a dilatation and curettage procedure on my mother right here on the dinner table.. c'mon." or when i met a furniture maker, i didn't tell ask him for a sample of chair. or when i met a singer, i didn't ask her to sing to me celine dion's annoying titanic song in the middle of a fucking party.

but some of you might say.. "but you're a writer aren't you?"

no. i'm not a writer. i hate writers. as a matter of fact, fuck writers. most writers do nothing but staple their enormous egos to their pathetic know-it-all foreheads and parade around papers, magazines, books, and the internet like some super human word god, or worse, a spell-checking freak and a grammar-correcting whore.

though i admit that my ego needs a bit of stroking from time to time.. but that's beside the point and a different story all together.

but i know what you're thinking right now as you read this. who the flying figola does this guy think he is? what has he ever done with his life to bash writers like that?

i'll tell you.

nothing. i've done nothing. in fact, i've done less than nothing. if nothing were at the top of a mountain, i'd be at the bottom digging a hole.

and i'm not a friggin' comedian either. comedians, especially in the fucking filipino context, is a moron dressed in drag working in some dingy karaoke bar, cracking jokes and performing toilet humor gags in front of half-drunk-half-desperate yuppies who'd rather listen to readily available and galacticaly obvious offensive punchlines rather than think.

i'm not a writer, and i'm not a comedian. i'm a guy who likes to write and tell jokes. and make fun of people. and eat. you can't box me in some stereotype character then proceed to ask me for a fucking sample of who i am. i swear, if somebody ever, and i mean ever, asks for a "sample" from me again, i'd strangle him until his head completely turns blue. fucking sample whore!

wanna sample of me bitch!? here's my middle finger... sample this!

i'm out.