ever since i was a kid i always wanted to be japanese.
why? i don't know.
is it because japan is such a wonderful place where cutting edge technology and symbiotic environmental harmony mesh like strawberries and champagne? what the fuck was that? that was some stupid analogy back there.
but there is something about japanese culture that somehow draws me to it... like a moth to a candle's flame. shit! i know, i know... i better stay away from stupid, cheesy analogies. man, i really suck at it!
anyway, yeah, about their culture and shit. theirs is a sumo culture. which means nobody would rudely stare at my fat ass and immediately judge me for being guilty of violating one of the deadly sins.
gultton!
hey! wait a just a darn star jones minute there! i'm no glutton. the only reason i look like this is because my metabolism went kaput ten years ago. ten years! have you any idea what that means?! it means i breathe, i gain weight. dumbass! oooh. i'm sorry. i forgot. you're the kind of person who eats the ten commandments and the eight beatitudes for dinner. forgive me your eminence. forgive me for being so rude to your holy, spiritual, prayerful ass you fuckface!
i bet fat people in japan rarely have days like this. yeah. even fat catholic japnese people.
you're japanese and you're fat! man, you're an athlete! you get to go to mcdonald's and eat all the grease-filled food you can handle, then you go out and they'll still look at you like an athlete. hm... i wonder how sumo wrestlers order food in mcdonald's in japan...
*sumo guy faces counter and mcdonald's crew.
*assumes the pre-sumo wrestling squat position.
*raises left leg, gives a pre-sumo wrestling sumo slap to his left thigh, then stomps left foot to the ground.
*raises right leg, gives a pre-sumo wrestling sumo slap to his right thigh, then stomps right foot to the ground.
*takes a handful of rock salt with his right hand and splatters the mcdonald's counter (including crew) with it.
*orders 44 big macs, 14 fried chickens... whole chickens, a gallon of strawberry sundae, and 30 liters of coke.
*japanese mcdonald's crew asks if he wants fries with that.
* he answers yes, then orders 20 kilograms of french fries.
*then says arigato.
hm... i'd love to relocate to japan.
i'm out.
No comments:
Post a Comment