there are some things i can't do. ever.
i mean, it's basically human nature right? there are some things that we are good at, although i can't think of anything that i am really good at (does insulting people count?), and there are some things that we just fuckin' suck at. hey, we can't be superman.
but there are "simple things" that other people expect we can do. and i just hate that. those simple things are not so simple, not for a guy like me anyway. here's another trivia about me: i'm, quite possibly, the most uncoordinated and clumsiest son of a bitch to ever walk the planet. period.
my movements are not graceful. everytime i move, i either step on someone's foot (both literally and figuratively speaking), i step on my own foot at times, or i break something. that's who i am. and for that reason i can't:
:: swim -- i'd like to thank iza for reminding me this. yeah. i can't swim. why? maybe because i grew up in a mountain-city. maybe because, even at an early age, i wasn't really comfortable wearing just swimming trunks and my top off. or maybe i'm just a pussy when it comes to swimming. what's wrong with me? i don't know. my dad's a great swimmer. a handful of my uncles are great at swimming too. so i guess we can rule out swimming skill as being genetic.
but i did try. however, everytime i get in a pool or go to the beach, it just always ends up with images of me looking like a stupid, clueless frog, complete with limbs helplessly flailing, mouth wide open and obviously fighting for air while alternately swallowing gallons of water. i guess my body's just not bouyant. i think it's pourus. a semi permeable membreane.
yeah. you got me. i just hated swim instructors. i had this wild fantasy that all swim instructors looked like the babes in baywatch. i always imagined what it would be like to be around women like that.. y'know.. dumb blondes in bikini... how the hell can someone hide a hard on when he's wearing only speedo swim trunks eh? i'm such a dufus.
anyway, i once had a swim instructor with a waist line that measures more than mine. her belly was so freakishly big, that i was sure the number was about nearing the radius of the equator. she was a patient bitch, however. she just kept on egging me to do this and do that and learn the basics of swimming. after 10 minutes of that, she started sounding like an annoying summer camp counselor. she kept telling me that my size shouldn't be any factor for me to learn how to swim. "hey, take a look at me, i'm big, but i can swim." lady, i wouldn't "look" at you even if my life depended on it. so after the first session, i quit.
:: ride the bike -- i know what you're thinking... "this dude is pathetic!" true. i know it seems pretty simple. but i can't. not without training wheels on 'em. i'm such a loser i know. hey, like i said, i'm the most uncoordinated guy i know. and in my 25 years of existence, i still have yet to find my balance. you should see me walk sometime. it's more of a wobble than a walk actually. but i can ride a skateboard and do a semi-decent ollie. bet not a lot of people can do that. ha!
:: fly a kite -- yep. can't do that too. maybe because of the trauma from the kite flying accident i had when i was a kid. i was five then. my mom made me a kite, so i thought i'd go outside and try it out. so i laid the kite on the ground, got a hold of the string, and started running for the little fucker to catch some air. too bad no one told me to run in an open field. five minutes after, my forehead was bleeding profusely, i hit a stone wall. stupid fuck!
:: jump rope -- they said that one of the best exercises to lose weight is to do daily rounds of jump rope. well boo the fuck hoo! i can't do that either. everytime i try, i always end up on the floor like a messy plate of bolognese spaghetti. i sure do look like a big meatball entwined with string. besides, jump rope is harmful for the knees and ankles. i have fuckin' marshmallow ankles. they're just that soft.
well, i think i've embarrassed myself quite enough. so how 'bout you, what mundane thing/s can you not do?
i'm out.
No comments:
Post a Comment