where was i?

so, everyone who is anyone in blog city seems to be taking a breather.

i was out for three fucking days and i hardly saw any changes in the damn scenery when i got back. and three days without blogging, for me, is quite long. like a month. it felt like i was out for a month. so i'll just say that. because that's what it felt. i was out for a month. dang!

why was i out? actually i have a very valid reason.

three days... er.... a month ago, i was out for a walk. nothing special. coffee. cigarettes. and my alone time. enjoying it actually.

then suddenly three guys jumped out from the bushes and ganged up on me. they were asking for money. they were all big. the smallest guy, obviously the ring leader of the circus, was like 6'8". actually he was 5'2", but he did sound like 6'8" so i'll just say that. they also had guns. uzis. glocks. .45 pistols. ak-47s. name it, they have it. there was no chance i'd be able to use my kung fu on them. so decided play along.

"jesus christ! me? money? would you like some lint, because i have a lot those? how about some falling hair? no? look, man. i've got nothing. i'm the cheapest guy alive."

"shut up and hand me over your wallet!"

so i hand over my wallet.

"receipts, bills, ids... what the fuck is this???"

"oh, that's a picture of mr. t. he's my dad. look, we have the same eyebrows."

"bullshit! this fat motherfucker's broke," said the other guy who stands 6'10" and was holding the ak-47. "i say we waste the bitch!"

"no, wait," said the ring leader. "i have an idea. take off your pants fatso."

"what the fuck? is this fuckin' rape? because i could set you up with a couple of bitches i know downtown. they'd gladly do it for free."

"shut up! take off your pants or you die!"

"okay, okay. jeezus."

"good. now squat on this paper bag and take a big dump on it. now!"

"you want me to shit on this bag? what the fuck for?"

"do it!"

thank god i had eight dimsum platters for lunch. so that's what i did. i squat on the bag and began to expel shit from my body so hard i almost had an aneurysm. then the unthinkable happened. the three guys suddenly dropped their pants and started jerking off. on me. while i was taking a dump. fuck!

i couldn't take it anymore. so i passed out. for three days. that felt like a month.

and that's what happened.

that's why i was out.

actually, that's not what happened. work got in the way. life got in the way. but i wanted to do a post about three burly guys getting off on me while i was taking a dump. so, there.

i'm out.