i'm fat. i'm so fat, that an official medical weight-height chart dictates that at my weight, i should stand about 6'4" to be within the normal range of things. heck! i stand 5'7"! fuck!
i'm fat. always have been, and i guess, always will be. some people look at me with mother theresa pity like: "awww.. the poor kid is fat, it must be hard for him.." while some look at me as a jay leno joke like: "hey fat kid, ever tried diet? no it's not a chocolate bar.."
but hey, like i've said, i've been like this all my life, and i have this fear that if somehow i go on a diet and lose weight, people would start noticing less of me. it's like, being fat is part of the "paningit brand," it's part of the whole package and it's non-negotiable. i'm one of them persons, you see, that you either love or hate. there is no middle ground or gray area when it comes to liking me -- you love my jokes but you hate my cursing; you love my charm but you hate my fat ass -- no, there's no middle ground in it; you either adore me or you hate me -- my charm and my fat ass included.
through the years i've been comfortable (somewhat) with my body. believe me, i've learned to use it to my advantage. and i've learned to go on minor diets too... if i start noticing that i can't pick up something i dropped on the floor anymore.. i'd go on and lose about 10 pounds.. then viola, i'm back to being me again. and believe it or not, i've learned to be confident (somewhat) with my body, on good days that is. i've had lucid intervals where i strip down naked in front of a mirror and yell, "holy mother of god! i'm a sexy bitch!"
but mostly, i've learned to accept the cold, hard fact that my body metabolism is shit. my body can't burn fat even if my life depended on it. some people, they eat as much as they want, then they sweat like pigs after and burn all the calories and fats away. not me. i eat much, i eat little, and i still stay the same. i don't even sweat like a pig. sometimes i think it'll be better to sweat like a pig than look like one. but i eventually dropped the idea and accepted that my body metabolism is so bad that mere breathing helps me gain weight.
so, i love being fat. it's part of who i am and i can't do anything about it. to put things further in perspective, lemme give you the top 10 things i like most about being fat:
(10) the jokes -- there's nothing like a good fat joke to make some poor miserable fat person feel as if they belong living amongst wild animals somewhere on a planet very far not here. i have friends and family who get out of their way and become extra creative just to come up with brand spanking new ways to make fun of my fatness. i'm such an easy target (pun intended).
but if you know how to play your cards right, this can be a very useful way to start a conversation and gain acquiantances. you can build a whole network of friends that can get you elected in public office someday all because you had the spirit to laugh at yourself a little bit. and the best thing about this is, when you' re friends already, you can fight back. and most of the time i fucking win. because fat jokes tend to be dragging sometimes... but their ugliness fuckin' ain't.
(9) the excuses -- when you're fat, you gain access to a select amount of excuses (lame or otherwise) other, more lightweight folks do not have. like the times when my wife will have to tie my shoes because i can't bend over because i'm so fat (ok... that was a joke). or, say i'm laying on the couch and i want some fudge brownie and coffee, but i'm too fat to get off my ass to retrieve it. someone will get it for me. i like that. or, how i can always use bathrooms only made for the "other-abled" only because in some parts of this country, being fat is a disability.
(8) extra large clothing -- because fat people are fat (shit! tell me something i don't know), we need to wear clothes that are big and baggy and loose. and they are so very, very, very comfortable. if i were skinny, i would have to start buying those tight-fit, loose-fit, sexy-fit shit that everyone's just dying to wear. then i'd have to start paying close attention to those annoying gap commercials, those annoying bench commercials, those annoying girbaud posters, and those lewd and suggestive guess commercials (wait. i already drool over guess models.. er.. commercials i mean).
the word snug will be a fuckin' permanent fixture in my vocabulary like: "gee, that feels snug." "does it feel snug enough." "is there anyway we can get more snug out of those snug snugs" yah fuckin' slug!
(7) looking tough -- underneath all this fat is a very weak and frail person. i can't fight, box, do karate, sumo, wrestle - nothing. absolutely nothing. i'm a lost cause. heck! i can't even run! but when you're fat, you're naturally big. and big equals scary. i have perfected this "really mean scary guy" look that i use everywhere i go. no one ever fucks with me.
(6) extra time in the bathroom -- normally, fat people spend an extra 20 minutes inside the bathroom, whether for expelling large chunks of crap or for scrubbing those hard to reach areas where the sun doesn't shine.
if a skinny guy milks a half-hour in the bathroom, people will immediately think he's masturbating. but if a fat guy walks out, they give that understanding nod as if to say, "oh okay, you're fat. take your time big boy. take your time."
(5) more room on the bed -- even with my daughters (four year-old tornado and a six month-old rugrat) and my wife, currently, i'm allowed to occupy a third of the bed's useful area because my large body needs special access to secure spaces. thank god my kids are still young. because my conscience just can't bear the thought of asking them to sleep on the floor (just kidding).
(4) being an authority on food places and food in general -- by default, my friends respect my opinion on where to eat and what to eat. that's because my being fat somewhat suggests that i am a professional in this area.
(3) taking more than one helping and getting away with it -- you know that guy at parties who's always standing right next to the dip or right next to the tray of freshly grilled barbeque as if it were prepared just for him and not for any of the other 50 guests? yeah. i'm that guy.
(2) not having to work out -- i love not having to go to the gym and not having to stand next to people who say things like "yeah, so today i'll be doing bi's and tri's, then tomorrow i'll do legs and chest. hey man, need a spot?" spot this assmunch! i hate it when gym rats and buffs stand in front of those big gym mirrors and make agonizing faces while lifting heavy objects. sooner or later (and i wish sooner rather than later) they'd rip their fuckin' rectums out of their tight spandex suits and they'll wish to god they were fat!
(1) food -- i love food. enough said.
so that's that. leave your comments. if not, you'll die in approximately 14 seconds.
i'm out.
No comments:
Post a Comment