i had no sleep because of a bitch!

i'm cranky. that's what you get when you don't get enough sleep.

why? i don't wanna talk about it.

i'm out.

nah.. i'm just messin' with you. of course i'm going to fucking talk about it. this is my show remember? and i'll talk, rant, and talk, and rant some more about anything and everything i want to. it's just a wonder you guys are still there... honestly speaking... it blows my mind that people are still reading this shit! anyway,

so i couldn't sleep to begin with. you see i have this friggin' sleeping disorder that's called "can't-sleep-when-too-tired-as-against-people-who-can-just-fall-flat-on-their-faces-when-tired-from-work-or-from-other-shit-they've-been-doing-all-day syndrome!" yeah. i swear this has got to be one of the longest medical terms i've ever come across with.

i was watching connan o'brien and was having a fairly good time listening to john fartface mayer's interview. he was discussing with connan (the librarian - hahaha shit!) about how it feels like being a woman and shit. because like women with big tits being stared at by men, he too is being stared at being a musical artist and all. he said people at times just stare at him because he's a celebrity and he has a multi-platinum fucking album. he said he too has big "tits" but he'd like to call 'em "musical boobies."

what the fuck!?

i don't know where john the baptist gets his analogies... but lemme tell you something johnny... men stare at boobies, not at musical fucking boobies yah turd! fucking arrogant, quasi-humble, ivy league golf sweater-wearing queer!!! men stare at boobies because they are drawn to 'em stupid... if you'd like to be stared at and "feel like a woman with big tits" then i suggest you head to the nearest nip/tuck store, get implants, and teach your tits to play the guitar while your navel sings "your body is a wonderbra... your body is a wonderbra..." you fuckface!

so after the show, i surfed and zapped through different channels before sleep came knocking at around 2:30 in the morning. as i was about to hit the sack... my dog, vinnie, went on a non-stop barking rant.

hold up. wait. backtrack. my dog vinnie can no longer bark. she yaps. the dog is about 14 years old. in man-years (multiplying 14 by 7), she's already 98. when you have a bitch that old, she just yaps and yaps and yaps. non-stop. case in point, notice how our grandmas yap about the weather, the traffic, about drugstores not honoring the senior citizen's discount, how hulk hogan should still be the WWE world heavyweight champ, and the "walang-ganyan-sa-states" mantra. that's pretty much how vinnie was yappin' last night. very high-pitched and very irritating.

so i went outside to see what the yappin' was all about. vinnie was furious, and i would too if i were in her shoes.. er... paws. she's looking at two dogs outside our gate.. getting frisky and busy... in other words, fucking their brains out! the male dog was a black furry askal stud (i think it was vinnie's ex-boyfriend), while the female dog was a petite light-brown askal that happens to be vinnie's daughter. awww man! talk about jerry springer material! the two were really getting it on.. back to back... pumping it real hard... while vinnie was watching it and somehow thought that she died and went to doggy reality tv hell. her daughter is fucking her ex-boyfriend who happens to be her daughter's father... very jerry springer material i fucking tell you. this is actually way above the realms of doctor phil and that fat tub oprah.

so to put vinnie out of her misery, i took a gun out of the house, cocked it once, aimed it at vinnie, pulled the trigger, and put her to sleep. nah, just kidding. i chased the two fucking dogs (pun intended) away from the gate and away from vinnie's sight. the two dogs scrammed while still very much "connected" to each other... and they say siamese twins are freaks! so that took care of that problem. vinnie settled down inside her cozy dog house and slept. she was snoring. i have a 98-year-old bitch who snores. what a life.

as for me. i couldn't sleep anymore. i lighted a cigarette. went inside to watch some more tv. then finally hit the sack at around 4:30. which brings us back to where we started:

i'm cranky. that's what you get when you don't get enough sleep.

why? i don't wanna talk about it.

i'm out.