bedpan friend

at the hospital. 5:15 pm. resting.

perky visitor: hey man! how's the leg?

not me: fine.

perky visitor: really? does that mean you can walk now? then what the hell are you doin' here? you should get out and have some sun. feel the cool breeze. smell the roses. i mean, do something.

not me: i can't do that.

perky visitor: you just said it was fine. now why can't you do those things?

not me: well... because it still hurts like hell. and i only said "fine" to avoid a conversation with you.

perky visitor: ooohhh... someone's really not in the mood today. tell me... what can i do to cheer you up? c'mon. don't be shy. i'll cheer you up. i'm you friend.

not me: uhm... not be here.

perky visitor: hahaha! you can really make people laugh man! that was a good one! whoo! "not be here" hahahaha!

not me: no, seriously. i'd really like to be alone for a while.

perky visitor: c'mon, you don't want to be alone. not with a broken leg. what you need right now is a friend. someone you can talk to. and i'm here.

[awkward silence]

perky visitor: so next week... me and the guys will go out for some hoops at the gym... i figured you wanna come... you know... to hang out with us for a while.

not me: i'm in a cast. and you're inviting me to watch you guys play a basketball game? now, that's funny.

perky visitor: funny? how so? i told you, you need your friends around you, man. c'mon. cheer up.

[awkward, eerie silence]

perky visitor: so, what do you want to do right now?

not me: well, since you asked...

perky visitor: that's my boy! now c'mon... c'mon... what does little joe want right now... you can tell your uncle ferdie... c'mon... c'mon.

not me: what i really want right now is to be well enough to get out of this cast...

perky visitor: so you can play hoops with us again?

not me: no. so i can hit the gym and seriously work out and build my upper body strength...

perky visitor: then you'll play hoops with us again?

not me: no. so i have enough strength to pick you up by your stupid cargo shorts and toss you out of this hospital's second floor window. why the second floor window? so that number one, you won't die, and number two, you'll be conscious enough to feel a sharp, throbbing, unbearable pain. then you can scream your lungs out and cry like the fag that you really are. then i can watch you get rushed to this same hospital, and be confined in this same stupid room, and be comfortably reclined in this same stinky hospital bed! then i can barge in that same stupid door at 5:15 in the afternoon and start asking you stupid fucking questions like... "hey man, how's the leg? how's the leg, man? c'mon you can tell me, i'm your friend."

and oh... just for the record... it's not my leg. it's my right knee. i twisted my right knee. now, that's what i want to do!

perky visitor: you're rude, man. i wasn't going to leave but now i'm goin'... adios!

not me: wait. can you be a friend and empty the bedpan before you leave? it's kinda filled up to the brim. thanks.

i'm out.