sometimes titles are not important

yesterday was valentine's day... oh what joy! hm... i'm not good at pretending ain't i?

so it's the one day in the year where true love seems to blossom in the air like cfcs slowly eating away our ozone. to tell you the truth, i hate valentine's day. i know it's unoriginal. but i don't care. i don't care at all if my contempt for valentine's is an unoriginal 90s-angst emotion and i share it with more than a third of the world's population.

i hate it. i simply hate it.

if valentine's day were a person, i would've choked him by now. i would've skewered his eyeballs with a screw driver. and i would've lighted him a cigarette after i've inflated him with tons of helium. boom!

if anything, valentine's is a just a perfect excuse to indulge in two things: chocolates and sex... unsafe sex, that is.

actually, the whole month of february is an excuse for people to indulge in such worldly pleasures. honest. why do you think a lot of people are born in november eh? and to counter this, scholars, astronomists, numerologists, archeologists, astrologists, hair stylists and shit all got together eons ago to reduce the number of days in february. honest. hm... i'm not very good at making stories either. okay, moving on...

what's worse than valentine's and the mushy concept of love that goes along with it? no, not the drew carey show... even worse than that. no, not the simple life either. okay, enough with the shows. what's worse? annoying couples.

let's take a look at my list shall we... they are the:

:: "let's make-out in public because everyone should learn to be sweet like us" couple -- jesus christ! they're arguably the most annoying of 'em all. they kiss. they cuddle. they feel each other up. they stick their fingers in places not sold in stores. they exchange body fluids. all in full view of the public. and oh, mostly they're unattractive... morbidly unattractive. so they do these things and you're standing there, a mere foot away from the crime scene, and they don't even seem to mind.

a few minutes later you start to wonder how many times they've actually been dropped head first by their mothers when they were young.

hey. fuckers!!! i've got something to say here. i haven't had my lunch yet, and i'm really hungry, and i don't want to lose my appetite and all.. so please.. for the sake of everything decent... get a fucking room!!! no wait. go get plastic surgery first, then go get a room.

look i'm just waiting for the bus here. i'm just trying to get home safe, just like everyone else. so why must you feel the need to disgust everyone around you with such lip-locking, tounge-entangling, body-groping dance steps eh? why? why?!

and oh, lady, that's a really nice and sexy tummy shirt you're wearing. i mean, i understand that you need to look good for your man and all. but for the love of ruben studdard!!! why must your tummy stick out? isn't it suppose to stay inside? shit!!! you guys are freakin' me out here!!!

:: "we're fighting in public but you're not allowed to look at us" couple -- there was this one time i went out a restaurant to have a smoke. shit, i hate non-smoking restos! anyway, so there i was enjoying my luckies when suddenly i heard this lady calling out her man in public.

"fuck you! you and that skanky whore bitch!" she said. natural for every human being to react to a stimulus, so i looked at them. i didn't stare. suddenly ms. un-skanky whore bitch snapped at me and said "mind your fucking business!"

whoa! mind my own business? excuse me princess, but last time i checked, dr. phil ain't staging a private session here on the public sidewalk. i am on a public sidewalk ain't i? wait, lemme check... oh yeah, i am still on a PUBLIC sidewalk. and you're there staging a jerry springer taping.

here's a suggestion, you want to call out your man? then do it in the privacy of your own fucking sanity... bitch!

:: "we hold hands wherever and we won't let go until they turn black and blue" couple -- it's okay to hold hands, me and my wife do it all the time. even in public. what's not okay is if you hold hands and become a traffic problem.

i mean, what do you want to do, deliver a vicious clothesline to every unsuspecting pedestrian that comes your way? if you want to hold hands while walking, please stay as close together as humanly possible. and oh, please stop swaying those hands. if you can't do that, then i suggest you go to the hills and do your holding, and skipping, and swaying there while you pretend to listen to julie andrews' the sound of fucking music! the hills are alive with the sound of.. belch!

please, follow my suggestions. because god knows i'll snap if ever i see you guys do this shit in public. and by snap, i mean i'll grab an ax and chop off those annoying limbs of yours.

:: "we like to replace each other's names with the word baby" couple -- "baby, this doesn't fit right." "well then baby, maybe you should return it." "but baby, then i have to go back to the store baby." "oh baby, we can go together." "then baby we can slip inside the fitting room and go make a baby, baby." "oh baby, i wanna have your baby, baby." baby this, baby that, baby fucking back ribs my ass!!! (my apologies, trans)

baby, for the love of everyone who is not you... please shut the fuck up! how do people not see that this obsessive use of the word baby is not only revolting and irritating, but it could also cause severe homicidal thoughts from those around you?

and that goes with people who like to substitute the word love with the word heart as well. i mean, sometimes it's cute... especially on love letters and shit... yeah, even on blogs. but excessive use of it. argh!!!

there was this one time i overheard a couple in a restaurant exchanging sweet nothings to each other; the guy goes: "oh baby, i heart you." then the girl goes: "oh baby, i heart you too." i just wanted to slap each of them with a sizzling plate.

what the hell is going on in this world? i "heart" you? and to think that her boyfriend was the one to say it first. hey buddy, while you're at it, why not strap one on and go fuck yourself! save your girlfriend the time and energy. i mean, you're already half there with comments like that you pansy ass dimwad!

do us all a favor people and lose the "heart" business. this isn't helping society. it's bad enough as it is that you guys have to say the L word, but to throw this little corny twist on it... you may just initiate the end of the world as we know it.

so how about you, what kind of annoying couples annoy you the most?

i'm out. and just to remind you guys again, i don't "heart" valentine's... i don't fucking "heart" it at all!