please don’t leave me home alone… again

a classic case of too much too soon, maybe.

he was just a kid. a spoiled brat. a millionaire. but still, a kid. that kid. what’shisface? oh yeah, macaulay culkin.

come to think of it, his name would've been enough to screw him up. imagine being called "macaulay," a family name of a stupid english historian. imagine yelled at by other kids, "macaulay! would you like to come out and play?" "stop calling me names!!!" "but dude, that is your name." "nooooooo!!!"

i bet he would've preferred to be called kevin or richie instead.

and i think that's the reason why the kid never really wanted to grow up because he wanted to stay that way, as kevin or richie, not as dorky macaulay. poor kid.

another reason why he didn't like to grow up: people around him (agents, scouts, directors, producers, hollywood whores, production assistants) kept saying he was a cute kid. cute kid??? no he's not. he looked like a young version of david spade for chrissakes!

and back in 1996, i think, he went touring with sonic youth. i don't know about this, but in my opinion, hanging out with a band like sonic youth could fuck up your mind pretty well.

but what really made him cross that line from sanity to insanity was in the movie home alone.

haven't you heard? there were scenes that were shot, and the director made culkin believe that the scenes were actually part of the movie. so the kid, being the obedient child star he was, played along.

poor kid never saw what was coming.

so they shot the scenes, and instead of joe pesci and daniel stern acting as idiotic burglars, it was michael jackson who entered the picture. jacko did all sorts of things. horrible things. grabbed the kid's ass, put his hands inside the kid's pants, fiddled the kid's dong, sang smooth criminal, and moonwalked. now, if that won't fuck up your mind, i don't know what will.

then there was the stinkin' sequel which was a flop compared to the original, but they just had to make it. why? because jacko produced it and culkin asked for it.

i know what you're thinking. i don't believe it either. well, not until i spoke with culkin himself yesterday. he said, and i quote: "for a long time i thought majority of my insanity was due to being a child actor, until i realized recently... wait, i fucked michael jackson."

oh you think all i'm saying here is BS eh? well read it yourself.

shit. i'm such an incoherent ass!

i'm out.