thursday night last week: spiderman

thursday night last week was weird.

i had this dream. in my dream i was a film critic. or was it film reviewer? what's the difference between a film critic and a film reviewer? oh, one of them critiques the movie while the other reviews it. does it matter? it doesn't, because they're both in the film's payroll anyway.

so, yeah, back to my stupid dream.

supposedly, i was this revered film critic and i'd be on air in 30 seconds as a guest in some lame showbiz talkshow. i was suppose to dish out a review for this new movie, spiderman 2, that'll open sometime june 2004.

shit. don't get me wrong. i love spiderman... in a hetero way of course... and spidey's my favorite comic book character of all time... but i was this revered, respected, critically-acclaimed film critic in my dream. i can't fucking review spiderman 2!!!

so i asked for the show's producer. i told him there is no way i'd do a spiderman 2 review. i said, "look, allan, let me do farenheit 9/11 instead." he said no. "well how about the notebook?" he said no.

i was getting pretty pissed.

then he said, "jimmy, you're going to do a spiderman 2 review whether you like it or not because that movie's hot. besides, sony pictures has already agreed to a 20% added rate of (name of the showbiz talkshow)'s advertising spots for the next three months. don't screw this up, jimmy. either you do spiderman 2 or i'd have to make you review garfield the movie or that new jacky chan starrer.

by now i was really pissed. nobody warned me that my name was going to be jimmy!!! i, the revered film critic, had "jimmy" for a name, in my own fucking dream! argh!!!

so i was up in 5....4....3....2..... this really gay showbiz talkshow host of this really lame showbiz talkshow starts blabbering away with his spiel. two minutes later, he asks me, "so, jimmy, what do you think of the new spiderman movie? toby maguire's hot, don't you agree?"

then i was like...

"uhm... yeah. actually, uhm, i'm sick and tired of seeing shit for spiderman 2! holy fuck, there's no way in hell i want to see this movie now because, just thinking about toby maguire one more time makes me wanna throw up five years of old pizza. there is such a thing as too much marketing. and i like to call it "calm the fuck down on the spiderman 2 shit already!"

and it didn't end there. i got pretty fired up and said other things like...

"okay. i fucking get it okay. people at sony, you made a sequel. whoopidi fucking doo! toby goes crazy and hooks up with a hottie and kicks some ass. great stuff! good luck with it! but for the love of letting me breathe for seven seconds without feeling like there's machete sticking out my groin, please, NO MORE FUCKING SPIDERMAN!!! and oh, about that hottie, mary jane. what's her name again? kirsten dunst. right. wow! that bitch is amazing!!! she was that kid in interview with a vampire, right? wow! man, has she changed. not too long ago she was this annoying kid with fangs, then suddenly she shows up on screen with these plump, juicy breasts and a great body for sex!!! growl!!! excuse me while i fix my underwear to hide my hard-on. dang! oh yeah, my final rating for spiderman 2... go see it for mary jane. if you're not down with kirsten dunst, then go see garfield instead."

after i said my piece, i looked at allan the producer. he was holding this big can of paint thinner and was splashing the whole studio with it. he was about to burn the whole set down.

then i woke up.

weird.

weirder, i turned on the tv, tuned in to hbo, and guess what... spiderman 1 was on.

pretty fucking amazing.

i'm out.