i hate plastic!
they're non-biodegradable. they contaminate the air when manufactured. they clog up the drain. and they can choke you in your sleep.
but what can i possibly hate more than plastic? i'll tell you. monoblock plastic chairs!!! i hate them. i hate them with passion! and here's why:
yesterday started out pretty good. i woke up early and helped my wife pack for her trip out of town. she'll be gone for a week. after packing, i took her to the bus station to send her off. a goodbye kiss here, a goodbye kiss there, then off i go to the office.
everything in the office was fine. normal. nothing out of the ordinary or anything like that. then lunch came. and i thought, fuck lunch! why the fuck do i have to prescribe to societal norms and have lunch every time the clock hits 12 noon? i say fuck 12 noon! i'll have lunch whenever i want. so i skipped the 12 noon ritual and went back to work. i'll have a late lunch at around 1:30, no big deal. when i got there, the cafeteria was filled with four warm bodies. ladies. officemates. having a late lunch too. they asked me to join them. but i wasn't that hungry, so i skipped the meal and got me a bag of chips and a bottle of coke instead, then i joined their table, sitting in one of them stupid monoblock plastic chairs.
so it was fun, they were having their meal, i was having my soda and chips, we were debating whether or not this local actor is gay or extremely gay. i was being funny. they were all laughing. i was hugging the conversation and i was being cute and funny and charming and sarcastic and burping all at the same time. then...
BRRRRAAAAKKKKKKZZZZTTTKRAKAKT!!!!!!!
shit! i lost sight of the four ladies i was talking to and was suddenly staring at the space under the table. the fucking chair broke. split in half. and my butt landed hard on the floor. hard! real hard!!! fuck you chair! fuck you you monoblock piece of shit!!! of course everyone laughed. i laughed because i had no other choice. amazing how we can laugh when someone stumbles, falls, crashes to the ground, slips, trips, slides, hit by a running hummer, and has third degree chemical burns. amazing! that's why stupid shows like AFV are still on air. but it's cool. laughing at myself is something i can do with relative ease. so i got up, picked up the chair, picked the chips, and picked up whatever dignity i had left, then i went back to work. but my butt hurts. shit! it really does. until now. like i fractured my tail bone or something. anyway, i called the wife. told her all about my exciting lunch. then listened to her laugh at me for two hours. well, not actually, but it felt like she laughed for two hours.
a few hours of work later, i felt my stomach grumble. i was fucking hungry. i didn't have a real meal. all i had was soda, chips, and a nasty monoblock plastic chair incident. i wanted to go back to the cafeteria, but returning to the scene of the crime would be unwise for someone like me. so i took off and grabbed a bite at brothers' burger. dang! i got me a nasty brothers' pounder with lots of onions. lots of it! then i called up some friends to hit the bar for some good ol' fashioned beer-chuggin'. i needed some comforting.
so we were at the bar. chillin'. chuggin' beer. played some pool. drank more beer. chilled with the band. chugged some more beer. then i told them about my monoblock plastic chair story. they laughed for two hours. then we drank some more beer. to be more accurate, a lot more beer.
by the time i got home, the brother's pounder was working it's magic down in my large intestines. so i got in the bathroom and did my thing. my butt was still sore and my crap had this funny smell. like onions. fuck! i should've stayed away from the onions.
waking up this morning had me thinking about college. yeah, college. no wife by my side, my butt still hurts, i still smell onions, and i have this nasty hangover. yep, definitely college.
and i hate monoblock plastic chairs!
i'm out.
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