ooohhh.. licky here!

i'm not suppose to be here right now. i really should be working on that newsletter of ours. but i saw something disturbing yesterday. and i can't get it out of my head.

i really can't.

so i was at the mall. and i saw this mother holding her kid, who was eating ice cream. the kid was about four. and we all know how four year olds eat ice cream, right? no? well, then close your eyes for a minute and go back to the time you were four and you were eating ice cream off a cone.

yeah, you were licking it with your lips and not with your tongue, weren't you?

admit it.

liar.

so the kid was licking it with his lips... and nose... and was creating this big rocky road mess on his face. and i was fine with that because he's a kid.

what got to me was the mother. she turned around and saw her kid and i thought i got good courtside tickets for some good old fashioned ass whoopin'! i found myself actually rooting for the mother to beat the living crap out of her kid. but it didn't happen.

instead, she took out a hanky, licked it then proceeded to wipe her kid's face with it.

holyfuckingmotherofchristeatingcheesecakes!!! what the fuck was that?!

then she did it again. but seeing the hanky all soiled up and realizing she didn't want to get her tounge in there, she spit on it instead. she continued wiping her kid, with more vigorous rubbing this time you can actually see the child's face turn from red to violet.

holyfuckingmotherofchristpumpinggasinsomeremotegasstation!!!! fuck!!! eeewwww!!!!

that poor kid. if his mother started beating him up instead, then he could at least have kicked the bitch's shin and shoved her down the stairs. but no. he was wiped clean with a hanky drenched in mother's spit. he didn't have a choice. a chance. and he didn't even finish his ice cream. poor kid!

now, i have read about books upon books about parenting (i'm that paranoid of screwing somebody else's life) and i tell you i have never, ever encountered a chapter, a paragraph, or even a sentence that says when a woman becomes a mommy, her spit suddenly becomes AJAX.

yes. AJAX. or any cleaning agent for that matter. i wish it were true, though.

imagine all the possibilities if all mothers have AJAX spit.

you're running late for a meeting and you spill some mocha latte on your shirt? no problem. ask the nearest mother to spit on your shirt. go ahead. don't be shy. she'll give it a full "hwuuwakptu!" (coincidentally, "hwuuwakptu" is not only the international sound effect of spit but also the name of a malaysian senator.) give it a few scrubs, and there you have it good as new.

and don't worry, i've been told that spit dries quickly and rarely leaves a mark, unless of course the mother's been chewing on a bar of hershey's dark chocolate, because 7 out of 10 mothers always do.

then you're fucked.

//i'm out.