free my ass!

i skipped work today. why? well, why the fuck not?

i'm in a local coffee shop that offers free wifi access. read that again, free wifi access. i know it's not a big deal for some of you guys in your planets and galaxies, but in this country, and in this city, anything free is a big deal. specially for cheap fuckers like me.

it's my first time in this joint. and i was really excited to use that FREE thing announced by that FREE sign hanging by their door. i sat down, fired up my machine, and called for the waiter for some coffee. the smiling schmuck handed me the menu and said i would have to order something like 250 bucks' worth of food and drinks for me to use their FREE WIFI.

now. wait. what. the. fuck.

help me out. i got lost somewhere between the seventh day of creation and 215th episode of prison break here. did you say i have to order 250 bucks' worth of your junk? that stuff in the menu? i don't fucking think so asshole!!!

look, i was minding my own business, wandering around, looking for a place to spend some time i ripped off from work when your stupid yellow sign that says FREE called me from across the street! i was promised FREE WIFI connection and i'm going to get it! i want just a cup of coffee and i won't be tricked by any of your stupid marketing ploys you scheming oppressive capitalist BOAR!!!

that was a pretty intense moment right there. i looked straight in the waiter's eyes and told him that. he was sweating like a 200-pound 10-year-old who couldn't climb the rope in gym class.

two hours later, i'm still here. writing this post. with a cup of coffee, two glasses of iced tea, a continental breakfast, pancakes, a platter of potato chips, and a half-eaten pizza alfredo thin crust. all worth a little over 500 bucks.

fuck!!!

i should've reported for work today.

//i'm out.

fuck mr. world!!!

what the fuck's wrong with my blogroll? why the fuck am i banned from reading claudzki's blog? and what the hell happened to rain's blog?

looks like everyone shipped out of town.

okay, enough about that. what i'd really like to know is what the fuck is THIS!!!

mr. fucking world??!! since when did that happen? there's something morally wrong with the world, i tell you because we're raising the next generation of men to be pussies!

let me give you a taste of what the website says:

"The contestants, will all have great looks and well-toned bodies, however, what makes Mr World so special is that it goes far further, by really testing the character and determination of the our national winners."

what a load of crap! it's another one of them annual metrosexual conventions. only this time it's global. and more stupid. i'll summarize the whole mr. world competition for you:

step 1: take all the commercial models you know who are shallow, dumb and inherently bad at basic math, who pluck their eyebrows, wax their armpits and balls, and apply make-up on their cheeks and nipples. make sure you include ben affleck and david beckham in there.

step 2: put them in a blender.

step 3: put the blender on high for five minutes. add a dash of salt, pepper, and a teaspoon of facial scrub every minute into the mixture.

step 4: set aside the gooey pulp in a petri dish and wait for it to germinate some 150 clones.

step 5: have all of them watch a whole season of will and grace. after that, have them watch the following movies in this order: a) sleepless in seattle b) while you were sleeping c) legally blonde d) titanic and e) brokeback mountain.

step 6: pair them up and have them do manicure and pedicure on each other. first one to cry wins the stupid mr. world title.

yay fuck yay!!!

step 7: fly me to china. have me hand over the award to the winner. as an added bonus, i'll whip out my penis and crack his skull with it.

fuck mr. world. fuck metrosexuals. next thing we know, there'll be a competition for men who breastfeed their children for chrissakes!!!

i say we stop this stupidity right now and celebrate men and manhood the way it should be celebrated... with a beer-chugging marathon.

//i'm out.

fuck the alchemist

if you're still reading this shit, then there's something seriously wrong with your head. either that or i have to get a restraining order.

good day fuckers. how's it hanging?

so i'll skip the usual "woe on me for not posting for such a long time and may the blogging gods strike me with lightning twice and plunge my world in eternal darkness for all of eternity" bit and just give you a straight update of what's up with me these days.

this is it... NOTHING! oh, by the way... here's my ASS!!! and it's fucking STUCK!!!

yep. i'm still stuck with the same work in the same company. still stuck with the same suck-y salary. still stuck in the same office with the same suck-y people. still the stuck in the same routine. in fact, i'm so stuck i need a metal spatula to scrape my ass off the office chair everytime i go on a bathroom break. and in most cases i don't make it in time. so now i wear diapers.

remember that tv show we put up? it didn't work out. yeah, the story of my life if you ask me.

don't get me wrong. there's nothing wrong with the wife and kids. at least that's one department in my life i haven't screwed up... yet.

goodnessfuckinggraciousthankyoufuckingjesus for that!!!

i'm looking for some change right now. a career change maybe. a change of scenery. or even just a change of nappies. i don't fucking care, really. just a change. because right now, i don't like the fact that my default facial expression is a scowl and that i let anyone who asks for a light or even asks for time get to know the business end of my shoe up their asses.

i hate that because even if i'm a badass and i eat rocks for breakfast, and wash them down with a few bottles of diesel, and smoke like 80 cigarettes a day, and carry a chainsaw everywhere i go, and fluff my armpits with gunpowder, deep inside, i'm still looking for what that gay writer terms as my own "personal legend." and i won't even ask you how many redundant terms i wrote in that last phrase.

ah yes... the "personal legend." the one thing in the world that you are suppose to do or suppose to be to find your ultimate happiness. the gay writer even went as far as saying that the whole universe conspires into helping you achieve your "personal legend." ooookay. so if the universe conspires to help, then isn't it possible that the universe, with all its mysteries and shit, can have a bad day and conspire against you. think about it, pussybrain. what if you're in the rut you're in right now because the universe cooked up some universal conspiracy of letting you have it in the ass. (dramatic pause for three seconds)... IN THE ASS!!! HOLY SHIT!!!

anyway, forget about that and answer this assmunch, what the fuck is an alchemist? seriously.

i'd rather be a chemist, a profession with a clear definition in the dictionary and has the capacity to make millions by mixing shit together to produce crystal methane, rather than some weird, ambiguous, buddha on a mountaintop, i am one with the universe cocksucker. and all it takes is to take out two letters.

i don't know what the fuck i'm saying anymore, but i don't care. in the grand scheme of things, we'll all be dead anyway. now shoo, or i'm calling the cops.

//i'm out.