fucking lightning struck my desk at exactly 6:00 pm. now i got a week's worth of handwritten research burning.
a few nanoseconds later... boom! thunder came roaring from the sky.
me: what the fu...
god: i wouldn't say that if i were you!
me: god! i mean... god... what's up, man, how's it hangin'?
god: haven't you learned anything from 15 years of catholic education? i am not man. i am GOD!
boom!
again, fucking thunder. thank goodness there wasn't any lightning before it. boy, this guy really has a thing for cinematic effects.
me: yeah, right. god. so what brings you to this side of town eh?
god: again, haven't you learned anything from 15 years of catholic education? i am god and therefore i am omnipresent. i am everywhere. i am not exactly, as you put it, at this side of the town. i am god.
boom!
me: okay, why don't we just cut the bullcrap and just tell me what i can do for you. you're holding me up here. i got a lot of work to do. and thanks to your trigger-happy lightning-fingers, i'm looking at a week's worth of setback. so what's up?
god: i've been reading your blog these past few days and...
me: you've been reading my blog? really? wow!
god: silence! (boom!) you shall not interrupt me when i speak!
me: oh, okay. my bad.
god: as i was saying, i've been reading your blog these past few days and i've noticed that you've been using my son's name rather indiscriminately. i demand an explanation! (boom!)
me: what? that? oh i was just having fun with it. besides, i don't think jesus christ has a problem with it.
god: well it has been bothering him. and he's been seeing a shrink because of it. at night he couldn't sleep. and if ever he goes to sleep, he wakes up in the middle of night screaming. he wets his bed. he says he hears all your readers laughing at him everytime they read his name in your blog.
jesus christ: dad! you're embarrassing me.
god: well it's the truth my son.
me: wait a minute. jesus! you mean to say, you asked your father to talk to me all because of this???
jc: well, your excessive name calling has been hurting my feelings. have you any idea how hard it is to schedule a session with dr. phil?
me: then why the fuck did you have to bring your father into this? you could've just talked to me directly. you're like an eight-year-old for heavensake! god, i'm sorry about this. i understand you're pissed because i know you're a busy guy and all... but your kid is acting like a pussy.
jc: hey stop that!
me: pussy!
jc: stupid, overrated blogger.
me: pussy!
jc: asswipe, assmunch, horsefucker!
me: pussy!
jc: ego-maniacal dickhead!
me: pussy!
jc: dad! he won't stop calling me names!
me: i'm sorry, god. but your son here is dickless. he should learn to stand up for himself.
jc: hey! you're talking to someone who rose from the dead here. i don't think you can do that.
me: i don't care, you're still a pu...
god: SILENCE!!! (boom!)
now i'm fanning out flames at the other end of my desk.
god: jesus, my son, i know you're the son of man... but you are still the son of me, GOD! and you better act like it or i'll give you an ass whoopin' that'll hurt so hard you'll be shitting out of your mouth for the next hundred years! (boom!)
jc: okay. here it goes... first of all, i want you to stop calling me names and stop using my name in your blog.
me: i can't promise that.
jc: secondly, i want you to accept me as your personal lord and savior.
me: i can't promise that, too.
jc: and lastly, i want you to stop masturbating in the shower every morning.
me: what???
god: so what do you have to say for yourself, mr. a?
me: okay, first of all i don't masturbate in the shower...
jc: oh, i've got video tapes to prove that. lalala-lalala-ladida.
me: shut up pussy!
jc: dad, there he goes again.
god: ENOUGH! (boom!) you will do what my son has instructed you to do. you will do it or else...
me: or else what?
god: or else i won't grant your prayer.
me: what prayer?
god: the one where you asked me to add an extra three inches to your dick! (boom!)
me: what??? that wasn't me!
jc: oh that was you alright. and i've got a videotape to prove it, too. *wink*
me: okay, whatever dude... i'll see what i can do.
god: you will refer to me as god...or heavenly father, not dude! (boom!)
me: okay, whatever god, heavenly father, sir. i'll see what i can do.
god: good. come along, jesus, let's see what osama and george dubya are up to now.
jc: oohhh goodie. but before that, can i part the red sea, dad. please. can i huh? can i?
god: oh okay, slugger.
so that's how my evening went. pretty fucking surreal if you ask me.
i'm out.
No comments:
Post a Comment