someone made a major blunder the this morning.
a certain she (yes a woman) mistakenly furnished me a copy of a propaganda material disseminated by misguided women. thank god she wasn't a friend, or else i would've immediately hit the fucking reply button to give her a major tounge lashing. but she's not a friend. she's an officemate. and because of that i opened my drawer, took out a fresh roll of toilet paper and bit on it real hard until my rage subsided. twenty minutes and 88 gag reflexes later, i hit the fucking delete button instead.
jesus fucking christ! why did i do that? anyway, hours later, i'm still thinking about that stupid email that said something about 26 things a perfect guy would do for a lady. bullshit!
well, you know me, i'm not one who's going to back down from a perfect opportunity to make fun of people... friend or no friend. so i picked out some of the items i can remember from that stupid email and asked my evil twin brother that lives deep in my ass for his opinion. here it is.
(subtle warning: for those of you can't take a joke or are too fucking hardcore feminists, i suggest you turn away from the computer, or close this window now, or hit the "next blog" button on the upper right hand corner of this page, or visit one of my friends at the "pimpin' ain't easy section." otherwise, you can read on and label me as an insensitive, sexist, male chauvinist pig, and send me a hate mail. it's your choice. do whatever you want, but don't expect me to apologize for anything. this is my blog, afterall.)
a perfect guy would:
:: know how to make you smile when you are down -- what a way to start things off eh? jesus christ! when will women realize that they don't live on the set of a fucking romantic comedy sitcom? hey lady, you're not jennifer aniston. you're not on friends here. you're in the real world. and in the real world, the jennifer anistons and the brad pitts have problems and issues to fucking resolve. so unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. don't you think guys ever feel "down" too? the door swings both ways, bitch!
:: try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice -- what??? why the hell would i want to smell a woman's hair? it smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; those kinds of shit make my eyes water. what the hell are conditioners for anyway? to fucking condition you to have a great day at work because you have this soft, manageable hair. just an advice, ladies: drop it!
:: give you the remote control during the game -- what game? you mean a basketball game? you mean a baseball game? you mean during superfuckingbowl??? oh shit! this one is inherently stupid. a guy tunes into a game and hands over the rc to his lady? for what? i'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than do that. and another thing i can't comprehend, for the life of me, is why women try their best to fight for fucking attention every time a man watches a game? we were watching the evening news before that and everything was fucking fine. now it's the last two fucking minutes of regulation and you want me to massage your feet? what fucking gives?!
:: play with your hair -- again with the hair? argh!!! women never play with the hair on my back and nipples but you don't see me making a wishlist about it. now why the fucking double standard eh?
:: always hold your hands tenderly -- haven't i written a friggin' post about holding hands already? mary mother of god! how many fucking times do i have to tell you guys that excessive holding hands can be dangerous? in my opinion, excessive holding hands can only be acceptable if you're at a peace vigil. period.
:: be cute when he really wants something -- bullshit! when i want something, i go get it myself. that way i can't blame anyone but me if ever things get screwed. the only time i'd ask for favors is when i'm injured, in that case i'd yell if i want something.
:: offer you plenty of massages -- not unless the guy's a fucking masseur. if not, an offer of plenty massages would only mean he wants to fondle your boobs.
:: dance with you, even if he feels like a dork -- let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. and that includes break dancing, which pirates, lumber jacks, and people who were teenagers during the 80s would agree is awesome. other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples. besides, i'm already a dork even when i'm not dancing. i see no need to rub in my dorkness with feet-shuffling and shit.
:: react so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts -- see, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. they want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? whooops, i forgot, that's considered fucking domestic abuse. right.
:: drive five hours just to see you for one -- any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. if every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.
:: stare at you -- i must say you guys really have this thing about seeking attention. would you rather have the guy buy you a mirror instead? because, and i think even ladies agree with me on this, we have more important things to do than just sit around and stare. i tell you, if women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
oh man. that's it. i can't go on anymore. it's making me dizzy. i think i'd better go do something less painful than talk about this shit... like sticking my head in the oven or something.
but regardless of what i say about women, i respect them a great deal. honest. i just think it's wrong to make these stupid "perfect this perfect that" lists. because, frankly speaking, this is the reason why you women get disappointed at us men that often. you try to make up these "perfect" scenarios that we both know will never exist in the free world.
another advice to women: please keep in mind that us men are nothing but immature critters with the attention spans of a fucking turtle.
oh shit. i have a feeling my wife's going to kill me for this. hm.. that's weird. i just heard all of you say, "well i hope she fucking does, you pig!"
i'm out.
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