rarely do i pull out a comment and decide to dedicate an entire post to it.
but yesterday i received a comment that i found to be both fascinating and interesting, and if you combine both of those words you'd get something like fasciresting.
anyway, someone who goes by the super secret alias of "hermaphrodite" left this comment: "i love you"
well, hermie, if i may call you hermie -- thanks for the comment. honest. i really appreciate it.
but holy fuck to the nth degree! i got to tell you, that felt fucking weird. as weird as wiping my ass clean with a handful of orange rind.
something tells me this shit ain't right. excuse me for a minute. i have to go to the bathroom. real bad.
(three hours of vomitting later)
okay i'm back. well, let's see if we can break this sucker down for our readers at home:
:: first of all, i am homophobic. and i know i'm not suppose to be one. and despite completing a whole semester's worth of "gender and management" studies, i am still homophobic. but i do have gay friends. and they're smart, and funny, and useful. in other words, they're great. as long as they keep their hands away from me, that is. because, DAMNIT!, if ever they try to pull a stunt on me, i swear, i'll break their necks. promise.
:: the only guys who know i am that homophobic (well, aside from all you fuckers now) are my friends. and i thought those motherfuckers are doing a number on me. so yesterday, i conducted a massive witch hunt. i whipped out my phone, got a hold of my contacts, and started dialing their damn numbers.
random friend: helloooo...
me: look motherfucker, drop that shit and answer this: are you hermie?!!
rf: hermie? what the fuck are you talking about?
me: just answer the damn question fuckface, are you hermie? you better tell me now because i'm gonna find out sooner or later and if you really are hermie you ugly wackjob, i'd break your face so hard not even your dog can recognize you!!! you got that?
rf: dude, did you forget to take your medicines again?
me: well.. yeah. so?
rf: who the fuck is hermie? i'm sitting in the bathroom drinking laxatives and trying hard not to pop a vein because i can't get shit out of my ass! and you call me up asking if i'm hermie? what the fuck is wrong with you?
so that was how my witch hunt went. called up all 68 of my closest dearest friends.
:: then it occurred to me, the sonofabitch said "i love you." wait a minute. nobody, and i mean nobody, says "i love you" to me. except, of course, my wife. and i even have to secretly drop a pill or two in her drink just to make her say that.
:: so hermie's not my friends and definitely not my wife.
:: a few hours later, hermie had another comment, this time saying kirsten dunst is one of them. jesus fucking christ! the creature even left a url. hermie's a blogger. and he/she/it could very well be an actual hermaphrodite.
so i was stuck there. at that thought. all morning.
how can i possibly bash and slam someone right in the middle of the classroom if he/she/it is actually a hermaphrodite?
i mean, if hermie was just some random blog prankster, then i could've easily said: "look here you sick cocksucking bastard, i've no time for games and i don't care about your stupid comments!!! you can either leave me now, in peace, while you still can, or else... or else i'm gonna track you down and find out who the fuck you really are. and when i do, i'd come knocking at your door and grab your mom by her apron's knot and proceed to shove her up you stinking little ass!!!"
i could say that. but i won't. i just took my happy pills. and because i took my happy pills, i decided to research more on hermaphrodites.
hm... lemme see... opening google... typing the word "hermaphrodite"... waiting... fucking google is lying says the search took 0.47 seconds (i actually waited a good three ticks)... here we go, hermaphrodite links... uhm, aha, definition... says here: hermaphrodites are persons born with both male and female sex organs.
holy shit. i need to go the bathroom again.
(20 minutes of vomitting later)
bullshit. this is too much for me. a person with both a penis and a vagina. goddamn!!!
you know what hermie, i'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. if you are what you say you are, then that's just fine. you can come in this blog and hang out as you please. but for the love of god, i beg you, please behave yourself. okay? you have to promise that. and the only reason i'm letting you stay is because i pity your condition. but the minute you start talking about your dick here, i'm throwing you out! got that? good.
although i think your condition is actually an advantage... hey, you can double your chances of going out on a saturday night.
one question though, you have a male and a female sex organ... does that mean you can have a hard-on and actually fuck yourself?
just curious. and oh, don't expect me to say "i love you" because i fucking won't say it. not to you, not to anyone with a dong.
i'm out.
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