so this will be a new segment on this blog.
every monday morning.
and it involves a few selected fan mails from thousands that i get from around the world.
thousands.
everyday.
honest.
okay. that was pathetic. i know.
but i do receive letters and they're all so cool and shit, but i can't answer them all because, let's face it, i need to appear to have some sort of life.
so, every monday morning, i'd take the more inspiring ones to feature and answer them here, right at the middle of the classroom. let's start:
From: xxx_xxxxx@yahoo.com
To: paningit@gmail.com
Date: Jan 6, 4:12 PM
Subject : FUCK YOU PIG!
PANINGIT:
You're terrible!!! Why? Tell me why does your blog suck? It sucks so much i can't even read it without vomitting all over my keyboard. And that sucks. So what gives?
Sincerely,
I REALLY HATE YOUR STUPID BLOG.
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REPLY:
dear "i really hate your stupid blog,"
thanks for the email. it really makes me feel good that people are reading this shit. honest. you want to know why my blog sucks? well, one rational reason might be because i'm just not funny. i mean, i try real hard to be funny but no one ever laughs.
these people who think they know what "real" comedy is just ignore me. i have a good feeling people like you click on my blog once in a while just to show someone how pathetic i am. like writers, they go to my blog to raise their spirits and be assured that at least someone is worse than they are. so there's your answer.
oh, and you're an asshole.
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From: xxxxxx@yahoo.com
To: paningit@gmail.com
Date: Jan 14, 5:36 PM
Subject : what's with the name?
dear paningit,
what does the name of your blog mean?
emily
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REPLY:
dear emily,
"paningit" means "space filler."
now i know that you know that i'm about to share a very interesting and funny and amusing story how and why i came up with that name. but today's not that day. yes, i'm that lazy.
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From: xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com
To: paningit@gmail.com
Date: Jan 18, 9:08 AM
Subject : help!
Dear Paningit,
I know you have a wife. Me too. I've been married for 2 years now. My problem is, my wife doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. Everytime I try to, she always comes up with some excuse, like she has a headache. What can i do? Do you suggest I have sex with prostitutes instead? Help.
Thanking you in advance,
Johnny M
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REPLY:
dear johnny m,
honestly, that is your fucking problem. if you want to go have sex with prostitutes, i have no problem with that. just be sure you don't catch anything.
and everytime your wife doesn't want to shag you, i suggest you get a soap, and a towel, and go have a fucking cold shower.
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From: xxxxx_xx@yahoo.com
To: paningit@gmail.com
Date: February 2, 11:42 AM
Subject :
Dear Paningit,
Most of the time, I don't get your jokes. I'm sure they're all funny, but sometimes i really don't get them. But I visit your blog everyday, even if i don't get it. Are you really just a bad writer?
B. Goldy
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REPLY:
dear b. goldy,
you're absolutely right! why are you still reading it?
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From: xxxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com
To: paningit@gmail.com
Date: February 11, 8:10 PM
Subject : TV show
Dear Paningit,
I think it's really cool you're planning to put up a TV show. If you ever get famous, are you still gonna blog?
Lily C.
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REPLY:
dear lily c.,
no, probably not. i think it would piss me off to all of a sudden have 80 comments on a post about buying a new shirt from a bunch of idiots trying to sound cool, hoping i reply to them so that they can print out my response and jerk off to it.
nah. just kidding.
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do you have a question? need some advice? then email me at paningit@gmail.com, and i just might answer you here on my blog in a really SARCASTIC, UNFUNNY WAY.
i'm out.
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