summer lovin'

summer's here!

and you can feel it too. warm weather slowly creeping up... like that annoying wedgy you got at the prom. remember the prom? oh, you don't? me too. i bet you were some loser back in high school. yeah, loser. fat kid, pimple-faced, couldn't get a date. so you decided to spend the night with a bowl of popcorn in one hand and a gallon of coke in the other and watched mr. holland's fucking opus instead while the rest of the school danced the night away, had fun, socialized, and lost their virginity.

that's you.

not me.

why?

because i never went to the prom. nope. not making that up.

legend has it, those holy motherfuckers who run the school i attended way back when i was an awkward teener prayed to god and asked him if our batch, being the little devils that we were, deserved a highschool prom. apparently, god said no. and that's why i never went to a prom, and our principal got 554 death threats the following week. sweet!

but enough about the prom, let's talk about summer.

basically, summer is, um... er... uhm... it's warm weather. and warm weather = sweaty fat guy. and sweaty fat guy = one extremely pissed off foul mouthed dude.

y'know what, let's drop the summer business and talk about something else. let's rant:

:: can i offer you some water? -- can you get the fuck away from me??? i know this has been a growing trend for some time now -- people wanting to be more health-conscious and shit. you know what? i don't care. when i go to someone else's house, i don't want to be offered a 330ml bottle of fresh, sparkling water worth 50 bucks. no sir. because if you go to my house, you'll either get coffee, tea, oj, iced tea, beer, or a shot of gin. not water. and certainly not water in some lame plastic bottle. you want water? open the fucking tap and help yourself you health-conscious whore. don't get me wrong here, i mean, i know we need water because it makes up yada-yada percent of our body. but show me some effort. i'm a guest here. gimme some sprite, or even ovaltine. not water.

:: oh, my soda tastes flat, how can i drink this now? -- aawww, that's too bad. you know why? that's because you forgot to tighten the cap, dumbass! there's a reason most soda caps are of the resealable twist variety you know -- so it won't spill, and it won't lose its fizz. you, on the other hand, have offended and disrespected the efforts of the investors of the resealable twist cap. that's because you're either dumb or lazy. what's wrong with you? is your wrist broken? are you sick? too weak? disturbed? out for revenge? no? then tighten the goddamn bottle cap!!! oh, you want me to do it for you? sure. tell you what, why not turn around, drop your pants, bend over, and prepare to scream "help me mama, i promise to eat my spinach!" because i'm about to stick this bottle up your hairy ass!!!

:: hey dude, do you have a light? -- bullshit! what am i to you eh? right. a total fucking stranger. and what did your mom tell you about strangers? did she tell you to go up to them and ask for a light? no. so what the are you doing here asking me a friggin' light for you fucktard! spare me a minute and let me share something here: i've been smoking since i was 14, and never, not even once, have i asked any living soul for a light. that's because i know that when you decide to be a smoker, you need some sort of fire-making apparatus to light your cigarette. and for that, i ALWAYS have my trusted zippo with me. no, not hippo, ZIPPO. retard! if you're not some poser who only smokes just so you could show off to people "hey, look at me, i'm a tough guy because i smoke marlboro lights" then go buy yourself a fucking lighter. never, i repeat, never approach me for light during one of my precious cigarette breaks. this is my alone time right here. time to reflect about life and ask important questions like, "hmm... i wonder what's for dinner.." so unless i have some stupid sign hanging around my neck that says "i like to meet new friends by lighting cigerettes" then i suggest you go pick up two sticks and rub them together, horsefucker!!!

:: "i wanna run to you.. hoohoooo.... i wanna run to you.. wooohooohooohooo..." -- i have no problem with people who play their walkmans, discmans, iPods, or whatever it is they play and have a their fucking earphones glued to their ears. no problem with that. what fucking irritates me are people who play this shit and sing out loud with them... in public... and the worst thing about is, of course, they can't hear themselves. jesus christ fucking the DJ!!! what the fuck is wrong with you people? can't you see what you're doing here? you're trying to kill everyone within a 10-kilometer radius. you're like a mini atomic bomb with seriously messed up vocal chords. okay, last time i checked your ugly ass wasn't on american idol. when i'm trying to read my book, or having a cigarette break, the last thing i need is a horrendous whitney houston impersonation yelling in my ear. so shut the fuck up, lower the volume, and save the friggin' audition for your shower.

whew! i'm spent. someone please take me to the fucking prom. because i don't like to watch mr. holland's opus, anymore, not for the 38th time.

i'm out.