at least...

when you're down. i mean really down.

like life betrayed you.

like you have this intense burning desire to purchase this stupid gadget that you really don't need, and you know it'll be phased out in a couple of months with a newer, more sophisticated, more expensive version that has no significant upgrades whatsoever from the older version, only it looks more cool now because they have it in metallic silver, and you thought you'd be more popular at work because you're the only one who owns such a gadget even if you don't know what the fuck it does, but you're broke. (got that? good.)

like you're up for promotion for about 18 months now, and you've worked so fuckin' hard to impress your boss, only to see the new guy who has been in the office for just four months snatch the job of your dreams from right under your nose. then you begin to suspect your boss is really into men because he has this smile, like he just got his dick sucked by the new guy every time they finish their super confidential close-door meetings on tuesdays.

like you almost got ran over by this pre-owned, recently waxed, bmw, owned by this pompous, smart-ass, pimple-faced virgin, shit-eating business major who just graduated from college and thinks he knows everything in the world because he's the day manager over at a mcdonald's franchise owned by his father.

like your life's a really bad sequel. of a really bad movie. like encino man. and you're pauly shore.

please remember, that at least:

you don't have an identical siamese twin.

who is a bother attached at your shoulder.

and he's gay.

and you're not.

and you saw him take the KY Jelly out of the medicine cabinet because he has a date coming over.

and you only have one ass.

think about it. and learn to put things in perspective.

i'm out.