then i woke up

we all had them.

bad dreams. weird dreams. of the dry or wet variety. in black and white or in full, textured, vibrant colors. short ones or long ones, like an epic. we've had 'em. funny thing is, i've never been bothered by dreams or what they mean.

is it my subconscious cryin' out for help (stop watching teen movies, motherfucker! julia stiles ain't all that!)? or is it just my imagination going haywire even when i'm sleeping (hey, with a few silicon implants here and there, julia stiles can be hot!)?

but i've never been bothered. not until this morning when i realized that for the first time in a long time, i didn't have one. a dream. so it got me thinking about the past dreams i had. and i'd like to share them with you.

***
i was in a barbershop, the one that i frequent, to get a blow job. of course not. jeez. to get my hair cut, what else. anyway, i asked for my barber, roland. the lady said roland's not there. he called in sick. i said i badly needed a haircut because i'll be going to this important party the following day. she told me wait in the barber's chair. then she called in the new guy. out came from the back of the shop a guy sporting a full beard and long hair. they guy looked like bo bice, only taller. then he asked what kind of hair cut? and i said just an inch off the sides and the back.

then he said, "okay. but before i cut your hair, think about it."

then i went, "think about what?"

then he said, "do you think it's gonna make you change?"

then i went silent for a while. i was looking at him at the mirror. he was looking back at me.

"look, dude, bo, whatever your name is, i just want my haircut, and i'm in a hurry. so, please, if you could just..."

"i was just messin' with you. one haircut comin' right up. by the way, the name's jesus."

then i woke up.

***
i was watching kill bill vol. 1 at the living room. then i suddenly heard my cousin's voice from the kitchen.

"dude, i thought i heard someone knock. go check the door."

"you do it, i'm watching a movie here."

no answer. then after ten minutes the whole kitchen was covered with thick, white smoke.

"hey, what the fuck are you doing there?"

he comes out from the smoke holding a bag of chips and a waterpipe and said, "i'll be at the bathroom. if that kill bill chic, uma thurman, knocks on the door tell her i'll be out in a minute."

then i woke up.

***
was at the office. getting some work done. suddenly i get this email from kofi annan. weird? oh it gets better. his subject read: re:hey! increase your manhood by 4 inches!

so i opened the damn thing. it only had two sentences in it. it said, "dear friend, maybe you can help us out. the unicef needs more guns!"

then i woke up.

***
john lennon, yes THE john lennon, and i were having coffee at this dingy cafe. he wasn't saying much while i was bugging him all day for an autograph.

then he took off his trademark lennon glasses and said, "you know what most blokes know little of? it's that yoko ono was the best sex i've ever had."

i said, "okay..."

silence.

then he said,"you should write that down."

then i woke up.

***
now, if you can interpret dreams, please email me, why? i dunno. for you to waste time, i guess.

i'm out.