5.10.2005

stoopid (what a way to spell)

okay. a confession.

back in college, there was this one morning i really tried very hard not to be late for an 8AM exam. it was a math exam, but what the fuck, who gives a shit? anyway, as usual, i got up 7:30, downed a cold cup of coffee i left in my mug from the night before, had a stick of cigarette, and hit the shower. everything was pretty normal. until the point i decided to change my normal shower routine. you see, like most normal dorks, i strictly follow a shower routine that could take as long as 15 minutes:

(1) shave
(2) brush my teeth
(3) take a big dump
(4) soak up in the shower
(5) shampoo
(6) masturbate (oops!)
(7) lather up with soap
(8) rinse
(9) then towel dry

on that fateful day, however, i skipped routine #6 and interchanged #5 and #7. the result: i had soap in my eyes. and since i was in a hurry, i was dumb enough not to rinse it off. i reached for the bottle of shampoo instead. with my limited vision, i got the bottle, squeezed out a fair amount, and proceeded to work my hair. then it started to smell funny. the shampoo. it didn't smell like head and shoulders. it smelled like that same smell i smell when i wash the dishes. that made me think for a while, "what the fuck? i thought of a sentence that had the word "smell" in it thrice!"

then i started to rinse. then i saw it. it wasn't head and shoulders. i was surprised. and i acted all surprised too. i put on the "maculay-culkin-home-alone-part-1" surprised face complete with hands on the cheeks and mouth wide open. i was practicing that face for years. finally, i got to use it.

going back to the story, yeah it was not shampoo. instead, the thing i had in front of me was a yellow bottle of dish washing liquid. now ain't that nice eh? i had a math exam in 10 minutes, memorized a bunch of math formulas and solved shitloads of math problems all night when i realized i'm the most stupid fat guy to ever shower in the world.

how did a bottle of dishwashing liquid end up in the bathroom? i don't fucking know.

what happened after that? i was late, because, again, i spent a good 10 minutes tying my shoelaces. but i aced the exam. because if there's one thing i'm good at, it's math. believe it.

***

but then, i realized that my stupidity was actually inherited. that means i can't take full credit for every blunder that i make in life. it's genetic, you see. my grandfather (from my mom's dad) once added tide (yes, the powdered soap tide) in his coffee because he thought it was coffeemate. the grandfather also once used bleach on his hair because he thought it was conditioner. apparently, he also had soap in his eyes at the time, and he stepped out the bathroom sporting an eminem do. my uncle (my mom's younger bro) once had hair mousse on his beard and moustache because he thought it was shaving cream. and just the other day, my mom was hysterical in the living room because she can't turn down the volume of the TV. she said the remote was busted. then i pointed out to her that the thing she was holding was not the remote, but her cellphone (i wish i'm making this up, but all happened for real).

after that, i thought, wow! i got the stupid gene from my mom's side! and with that discovery i yelled "woot!" at the top of my lungs.

i thanked my mom. i said if it wasn't for her, i'd completely go through life with low self esteem because i'd think my stupidity is my own doing. now i can just blame her side of the family! then i hugged her, and kissed her, and said, "happy mother's day, stupid mom."

she smiled.

i'm out.

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