old photos

was feeling nostalgic over the weekend.

the wife was out of town. i had no money to burn. i was hungry. i'm always hungry. got tired of nba live. there was nothing good on the tele. was listening to elvis costello. then barry manilow. then i thought, how much lower can i go?

so what to do? i brought out the old photo albums. and fed my nostalgia. i saw my baby picture when i was two. yes, it was a naked baby photo. yes, i was damn cute. actually, i'm still damn cute if you ask me. that is, if you ask me. ask anyone else and you'll end up seeing gag reflexes.

what struck me, though, is how huge my balls were. damn! damn huge balls! the circumference of one was like bigger than the moon! well, give or take 10, 930 kilometers. and that's just my left nut.

everytime i sat down, i was like sitting on a planet like that gay character from that book "the little prince," written by that gay author antoine de saint excruciate or something. what's his name again? the gay character, i mean. oh yeah, little prince.

anyway, enough with my balls.

i was on my third album when i saw the ugliest, scariest, freakiest photo of a mofo i've ever seen in my entire life. my initial reaction was of course to jump out of my seat in horror and run around in circles in the front yard screaming, "repent motherfuckers! the end is near!!!"

i did that for two hours straight when my sister came out of the house looking really worried and asked me what the hell was i scared of. i showed her the picture.

"look! this thing. this hideous creature. i have never seen such grotesque monstrosity since ernest borgnine smiled in ariwolf's final episode!"

"what the hell is airwolf?"

"oh, nevermind. just look."

"but that's your picture when you were in high school."

i looked at it again. and again. and again. yes, it was me.

well, in that case, it's the second ugliest, scariest, freakiest photo of a mofo i've ever seen in my entire life. a distant second. the first would have to be michael jackson.

i'm out.