what the dilly?

i am a basketball fan. so bite me.

but i haven't watched a single minute of the detroit-san antonio championship series. because i think any game that features a boring school boy named tim and an ugly ape named ben can seriously cause impotency and low sperm count.

the only way i'm going to watch that series is if eva longoria shows up in the stands looking like this. or this. or this. jesus christ i think i'm about to explode! how desperate is this housewife, anyway? desperate enough i hope. *wink, wink*

or if david hasselhoff shows up. because we all know everybody just loves david hasselhoff, right? with or without baywatch, right? wrong! anyone with even a quarter of an ounce of self-respect would never ever ever be a fan of an actor that sports an 80s hairstyle . actually this picture of david was really funny when i first saw it. then it gave me nightmares for five days straight. the last one figured hasselhoff making out with spongebob. and if you think that was bad, the second half of my nightmare featured hasselhoff picking up spongebob by the waist and started rubbing him against his hairy chest, in between his legs, and up his ass. yes, just like a sponge! yuck! if the picture gives you nightmares, please let me know.

***

i'm sure by now everybody knows what happened to the michael jackson case. yes, he got acquitted. whaddayaknow, jacko is white afterall.

what most of us don't know, however, was how disappointed jacko was with the verdict. yes, he was disappointed. and yes, he's uglier than joan rivers. why was he disappointed? because the jury blew his only chance to ever experience some true manly love... for twenty years. poor jacko, he was really looking forward to finally have sex with someone his own age. well you can't have it all, right? now he goes back to his neverland ranch to have sex with kids a fifth his age.

oh, by the way, stephen king had something to say about the verdict, too.

***

so i had chicken for lunch today.

flat, dry, flaky, pan-fried chicken breasts. tasted like paper.

as i was about to chew my first chunk of chicken boobies, i suddenly had a thought. what if this chicken had a name? what if it had a family? kids? friends? a blossoming career in advertising? what if... aw fuck it! catchup always does the trick. yeah! catchup! high five, cathcup!

now that made me wonder why everyone at the cafeteria looked at me weird.

***

one day i'll attend a really hip PR event and all night i'll just stand in a corner holding my beer and wearing a shirt that reads: “DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING PEOPLE PERSON?”

yeah, that'll be nice. then when i'm tired of that i'll go at the end of the buffet table and pig out on the chips and dip. yeah, like the chips and dip were only made for me.

and when people try to get chips, i'll the slap the back of their hands and yell: "FUCK YOU, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HOWARD STERN JOKE! STAY AWAY FROM MY CHIPS!!!"

and when i'm done with my beer, i'll close my eyes and just throw the bottle to the stage and pray really hard i hit a band member on the head. and when i do knock a band member out cold i'll yell: "YEAH! THAT'LL TEACH YOU NOT TO SING HANSON SONGS YOU FUCKING FAG!!!" even though they weren't playing any hanson shit.

***

so last week i was browsing through me blogroll and read something about mary poppins over at mussolini's.

a question: is mary poppins connected in any way to imelda poppins?

if you don't know who imelda poppins is, don't ask. it's a stupid question, i know.

i'm out.