so i decided on one thing when i woke up today. right about the time i was wiping my ass after i took a huge dump.
i'm going to write a book.
no, seriously.
what's it about? i don't know yet.
when do i plan to release it? i have to think over that, too.
do i have a publisher? and editor? uhm, none.
but i'm going to do it.
seriously, trust me on this.
no, seriously. trust me on this.
more updates later this week fuckers.
//i'm out.
6.27.2006
6.20.2006
another daddy blog-type post up your ass!
my daughter has been reading since she was four. she's turning six next month. so it's safe to assume that her comprehension and vocabulary vastly improved in the past two years. another thing, the materials she's been reading has started to pique her curiousity.
and being the catholics that we are (shit!), she's been reading bible story books these past few weeks. yeah, those damn books with large pictures of a bearded, celibate jesus that her damn godparents gave her. damn! why the fuck would they give a kid bible story books? those things can mess up a kid's mind... believe me, i know.
anyway, last week she something about the "virgin mary." so she asked me what the fuck a "virgin" was. of course she didn't say fuck.
i didn't answer right away... because i was watching a conan o'brien rerun (i know, i don't have a life). but the truth was, i didn't know how to answer her at all. so she asked me again.
"dad, what's a virgin?"
"well.. uhm.. you see, honey... a virgin is someone who never had, y'know..."
"no, i don't."
"well, a virgin is... erm.. she never got it down with... uhm..."
"down with what dad?"
"well, a virgin is..."
i was frozen for a good ten minutes. like the PC guy in those clever Mac ads. goddamnit, those ads are hilarious. anyway, i knew i was fucked, so i had to push the emergency button.
"well, honey, a virgin is... look! a giraffe!!!"
"where dad?"
then i ran away as fast as i could.
and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how i get out of tight situations.
let me just say that i blame the catholic church for two things. those are (1) making parenting very hard and (2) having dysfunctional families around the world. why the fuck don't they just tell the truth? that mary wasn't actually a virgin and she got banged pretty good by that carpenter named joseph. instead, what they're trying to promote is a celibate father and a virgin mother who had children!!! no wonder families are so screwed.
fuck the catholic church!
//i'm out.
and being the catholics that we are (shit!), she's been reading bible story books these past few weeks. yeah, those damn books with large pictures of a bearded, celibate jesus that her damn godparents gave her. damn! why the fuck would they give a kid bible story books? those things can mess up a kid's mind... believe me, i know.
anyway, last week she something about the "virgin mary." so she asked me what the fuck a "virgin" was. of course she didn't say fuck.
i didn't answer right away... because i was watching a conan o'brien rerun (i know, i don't have a life). but the truth was, i didn't know how to answer her at all. so she asked me again.
"dad, what's a virgin?"
"well.. uhm.. you see, honey... a virgin is someone who never had, y'know..."
"no, i don't."
"well, a virgin is... erm.. she never got it down with... uhm..."
"down with what dad?"
"well, a virgin is..."
i was frozen for a good ten minutes. like the PC guy in those clever Mac ads. goddamnit, those ads are hilarious. anyway, i knew i was fucked, so i had to push the emergency button.
"well, honey, a virgin is... look! a giraffe!!!"
"where dad?"
then i ran away as fast as i could.
and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how i get out of tight situations.
let me just say that i blame the catholic church for two things. those are (1) making parenting very hard and (2) having dysfunctional families around the world. why the fuck don't they just tell the truth? that mary wasn't actually a virgin and she got banged pretty good by that carpenter named joseph. instead, what they're trying to promote is a celibate father and a virgin mother who had children!!! no wonder families are so screwed.
fuck the catholic church!
//i'm out.
6.15.2006
pissing away
i took a leak this morning. it was an unusually long one. don't ask me how it happened. maybe because i haven't peed for the past four days. maybe.
then i remembered that earthquake survivor story back in 1990. a guy (not me, i was merely 10 years old back then, hence i wasn't a guy yet. fuck that. whatever.) was still alive and was trapped for 14 days under rubles of concrete and steel. he had no food of course. his means of survival were, of course, breathing (dumbass!) and (another of course) drinking his own piss.
i know.
eww!
*gag reflex*
*puke*
yuck!
anyway, he needed to stay alive. so drinking his own mountain dew was his only choice.
i wonder if i were in the same situation. and it happened on a morning such as this when it seemed like i squirted 500 gallons of piss out of my body. seriously, it felt like 500 gallons. i went to the bathroom at 6:00 am and came out about four and a half hours later. dehydrated and all... going back... would i have drank my own piss? maybe.
i could just imagine how that tasted. hm, that was the beer i had last week. odd? it's a bit stale now. hm, and that's the chicken soup i had for dinner the other day. funny. chicken still tastes like chicken no matter the form.
with the amount of piss i had in the tank, i could've survived the whole ordeal for two years. two friggin' years!!! that's equivalent to watching will and grace episodes 8 hours a day! on second thought, being stuck there would be a whole lot better than watching the fags of will and grace dance around like monkeys in heat for 8 hours a day. oh well.
going back to the earthquake survivor dude. he was rescued 14 days later. according to him, he spoke to... dig this... a fly. not kidding. true story, man. apparently, he told the damn fly to lead the rescuers to where he was. dang! now that's what you get when drink your piss for 14 days straight.
so, there. he was dug up and rescued. obviously, he was very happy because when pictures of him showed up in the papers, he had this big smile on his face as he was being carried out on a stretcher. oh yeah, of course all his teeth were very yellow. fuckdamn!
//i'm out.
then i remembered that earthquake survivor story back in 1990. a guy (not me, i was merely 10 years old back then, hence i wasn't a guy yet. fuck that. whatever.) was still alive and was trapped for 14 days under rubles of concrete and steel. he had no food of course. his means of survival were, of course, breathing (dumbass!) and (another of course) drinking his own piss.
i know.
eww!
*gag reflex*
*puke*
yuck!
anyway, he needed to stay alive. so drinking his own mountain dew was his only choice.
i wonder if i were in the same situation. and it happened on a morning such as this when it seemed like i squirted 500 gallons of piss out of my body. seriously, it felt like 500 gallons. i went to the bathroom at 6:00 am and came out about four and a half hours later. dehydrated and all... going back... would i have drank my own piss? maybe.
i could just imagine how that tasted. hm, that was the beer i had last week. odd? it's a bit stale now. hm, and that's the chicken soup i had for dinner the other day. funny. chicken still tastes like chicken no matter the form.
with the amount of piss i had in the tank, i could've survived the whole ordeal for two years. two friggin' years!!! that's equivalent to watching will and grace episodes 8 hours a day! on second thought, being stuck there would be a whole lot better than watching the fags of will and grace dance around like monkeys in heat for 8 hours a day. oh well.
going back to the earthquake survivor dude. he was rescued 14 days later. according to him, he spoke to... dig this... a fly. not kidding. true story, man. apparently, he told the damn fly to lead the rescuers to where he was. dang! now that's what you get when drink your piss for 14 days straight.
so, there. he was dug up and rescued. obviously, he was very happy because when pictures of him showed up in the papers, he had this big smile on his face as he was being carried out on a stretcher. oh yeah, of course all his teeth were very yellow. fuckdamn!
//i'm out.
6.13.2006
moving on - someone give me a blowjob for this cheesy title
yeah!
it's the beginning of the week and i feel sore with all the sorting, packing, lifting, dragging, hauling, unloading, unpacking, re-sorting, cleaning, mopping, dusting, and eating 48 buns of cinnamon bread over the past four weekends.
yes, ladies and freaks, we're moving into a new place by friday. and may i just say-
goddamn! it's fucking exhausting! i never knew i had that much junk in the closet. old ids, a gazillion types of cards, birthday presents i never got to use (what? you don't suggest i start using 8-color crayola sets now, do you?), uneaten slices of pizza... shit, i've got everything i'll ever need in my closet! i don't have to work a single day in my life anymore. i can live off with pizza bits and birthday cards and star wars action figures. it'll be so much fun.
then if i get lonely, i'll accidentally cut my palm and press it against an annoyingly white volleyball that happens to be there in the corner of my room. then i'll draw a face on the damn ball and call it mr. wilson. yeah. mr. wilson. he will keep me company everyday. and when i really get lonely and i start crying like a girl, mr. wilson will just make his way to my crotch and give me a blowjob! high five!
oh yeah, i also saw my old photos. old, old photos. all of them black and white. why? because i'm a hundred and two years old, bitch! anyway, i was ogling at 'em pics and damn, was i fat.
i looked in the mirror... and it hit me. flying crap! i'm still the fat fuck that i was 14 years ago. the way i look almost had zero improvement from highschool, only more facial hair. no wonder girls, babies, and even tourists still avoid me.
anyway, that's that. now shoo.
//i'm out.
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